Uninspired and Overwhelmed

WARNING: I feel a rambly post coming on.

I don't know where or how to start this post, I guess I want to start by saying this is not a pity post. I know that barely anyone sees my posts and I'm not writing this so you can feel sorry for me. I need to write somethings down and get them out of my head and for me posting things online helps me feel more accountable for myself. As though putting things on the internet means I have to follow through with any commitments I have made otherwise the entire internet will be disappointed with me.

I already feel on the verge of tears and I don't even know what this post is about. I may be having a quarter life crisis. I think the biggest thing going on for me right now is that I'm not where I though I'd be at 24. All through my teen years, possibly even younger I have had this idea that I would have a home a husband and children by the age of 25. I always thought my mum was crazy for having her first child at 27, I though that was so old. Yet here I sit at 24 with none of the things I had planned for myself.

Maybe I should just look at the positives, I'm lucky enough to have a part time job as well as run my own small business from home doing something that I love, I have a roof over my head, meals to eat every day and a loving family, so why can't that be enough.

I'm stuck in a cycle of wanting to follow my dreams and being realistic. I would love to continue the way I am now, my business steadily growing. I have been open 21 months and have gained almost 250 Facebook likes which is great but realistically it is not enough for me to survive on. I already made the decision to take on a part time retail job so that I have a constant income but now I am faced with deciding to continue as I am, hoping that my business will take off and it will be a full time career or letting it go and finding a full time job.

A full time job would limit the amount of time I can put into my business and if I were to find a job in the beauty industry that I am qualified for, it would be a conflict of interest to continue my own beauty business.

Perhaps if I had some idea of what to do with my business to help it grow but I find myself uninspired and unsure.  Don't get me wrong, I love what I do. I love the smile on peoples faces when they are really happy with their treatments. I have so many ideas of what I want to do, I want to get into airbrushed makeup, tanning and I would love a complete new gel polish system complete with fancy LED light. But these things all cost money that I do not have. I have to keep my business gaining money not losing it. Was I naive in thinking I could start my business without getting a personal loan? Is a loan what I need to grow my business or would I just end up in the exact same situation with a huge loan?

Sometimes I feel as though there is so much that I want to do, I just don't know where to start so I choose to do nothing. I know that this is going to get me nowhere but I don't no what to do.

Am I stupid for posting this? Is someone going to find this and look down on me?

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and have everything exactly the way I had planned.

Enough of the pity party, a few things I am proud of this year.

I found a job in retail and I have really enjoyed learning new things and growing as a person. It really has helped me with my people skills.

I reached the year anniversary of my beauty business and through it have met so many wonderful people. I feel as though I have grown as a nail artist and I am now able to do designs I previously thought impossible. This is mainly thanks to my clients bringing in pictures of beautiful designs that I push myself to recreate.

I have also made an effort to be more health conscious, I made a YouTube video about this. As of today I have lost 4 kg. Mainly thanks to reducing my fizzy drink intake but I have also enjoyed exercising for the first time in my life. I definitely wouldn't say I have mastered the art of regular exercise but I try and I have recently have been enjoying boxing for fitness.

I think this post is getting a bit long so I will finish up. If you have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read and I hope that you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.